Beside the typical shock and disbelief of a year come and gone, this week has hit me like a ton of bricks and released the floodgates of emotion. Theres been times where I sit and hold all 19 pounds of my little boy, recalling vague memories of what it was like to cradle the shy-of-six-pounds version.
As I packed away his six month sized clothes last week (he may be shrimpy, but at least he's fitting in nine month sized clothes now. Small victories, people.), I couldn't help but feel so nostalgic over each article of clothing. He'll never go backward; this growing and becoming of Nehemiah will continue until forever comes. And did I cherish it enough? Was I present enough? Did I give enough, do enough, love enough? Day by day his infancy slips through my fingers, seemingly faster and faster.
And there are moments when I almost feel like time stands still — times when I remember to take a mental picture to hold on to forever. Times when the scraps of breakfast that litter the high chair and floor make me smile instead of frustrated, when the dirty laundry just reminds me of the fun that accompanied the mud-crusted onesie, when Little One's laughing and giggling totally erases the hours of crying and whining that ensued before. But did I do that enough? Did I appreciate more than frustrate? Did I wish the time away by eagerly waiting for the next, newest stage? By thinking, "I can't wait until he..."? Sometimes, its so easy for myself to get lost in these what-ifs and should-haves.
But then I read incredibly insightful, laughably accurate writing like this:
There are people who say this to me:
“You should enjoy every moment now! They grow up so fast!”
I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold those people under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.
If you have friends with small children — especially if your children are now teenagers or if they’re grown – please vow to me right now that you will never say this to them. Not because it’s not true, but because it really, really doesn’t help.
We know it’s true that they grow up too fast. But feeling like I have to enjoy every moment doesn’t feel like a gift, it feels like one more thing that is impossible to do, and right now, that list is way too long. Not every moment is enjoyable as a parent; it wasn’t for you, and it isn’t for me. You just have obviously forgotten. I can forgive you for that. But if you tell me to enjoy every moment one more time, I will need to break up with you.
Steve Wiens | To the parents of young children: Let me be the one who says it ouloud | The Actual Pastor
And then I remember, we survived one year. The first year of parenthood. One crazy, life-changing, roller coaster year and all it had to offer. Sleepless nights and tears and E.R. trips and poopsplosions and the growing of teeth. We've had the pleasure (albeit, occasionally unpleasureable experience) of standing back and watching Nehemiah grow a little more into the person he is to become. We've gotten to participate a small amount in the forming of a 353 day-old person and enjoy the blossoming of the personality to match. And surviving, let alone enjoying it is a feat worth celebrating.
Focusing on the should've could've would've's (was that as awkward to read as it was to type?) is a hopeless cause that only ends in regret and disappointment. The fact is, we're all just human. We take things a day at a time and learn as we go. We have made more mistakes than we're willing to admit and are just glad that Nehemiah's hippocampus isn't developed enough to remember it.
So here's to one year come and gone. One year, with enough Instagrams and blog posts and journal scrawlings to at least jog the memories of the gone-too-soon moments. The good, the bad, the ugly — it's over. One year. And there's no revising it. So, I suppose there's nothing left to do but grab our party hats and cupcakes and celebrate.
John Uncle & Jyothi Aunty:
ReplyDeleteIn bible king Solomon looked back over all the wealth he had, his accomplishments, and his possessions. And to him it all seemed meaningless. Even though he had everything, he was still unfulfilled and dissatisfied. He believed that synchronizing with pure consciousness was the most important option. He separates wisdom into two categories: 1) Human knowledge, reasoning, or philosophy and 2) The wisdom that can only come from Spirit. He conducted his search for life's meaning as an experiment. The first thing he tried to satisfy himself with was pleasure. He bought more slaves, herds, and flocks. He surrounded himself with jesters, singers, and many beautiful women. This still did not satisfy him. He referred to it as "chasing after the wind." We can feel it when it passes but we can't grasp it or keep hold of it. He believed that we must not base ourselves on the pursuit of happiness, but on the solid foundation of Spirit. He said this because our accomplishments, wealth, and materials mean nothing after death. He believed that there is a time and place for everything, whether it is good or bad. He believes that you must seek guidance from Spirit to truly know what your path in life is.
He believed that going to the extremes of being lazy or a workaholic is foolish and irresponsible. The answer is to work hard but with moderation. He believed that you should take time to enjoy Spirit's other gifts and realize that he gives us assignments and rewards, not man. He believed that a person should seek Spirit’s approval above all and not recognition from man. We should be open to our spirit. We should be ready to listen and not be so hasty to dictate what we want him to do. He believed that it was not wise to make a vow to spirit and not keep it. It's better to not make a vow than to make one to spirit and not keep it. Solomon says that riches are meaningless. People who obsess over it never find the true happiness that it promises. Loving money leads to sin. Don't depend on money to make you happy. Instead, use what you have foe the Lord. Even though a person has lived a long and prosperous life, it is ultimately meaningless. He says this because everything that a person has accumulated is left behind at death. Enjoy what you have while you can, but realize that adversity and hard times can strike at any moment. Because of this, life is short. Death is inevitable. We shouldn't ignore it because it makes sense to plan ahead to experience Spirit's mercy rather than his justice. People who are too righteous and too wise are blind to their own faults. There will always be things that we don't understand. Thinking that you have attained enough wisdom is a sure sign that you haven't. True wisdom comes from knowing and trusting your Spirit, not merely the way to find him. Knowing spirit will lead to understanding and then to sharing that knowledge with others. Solomon believes in enjoying life as Spiritual gift. The world is finite, and sin has twisted life, making it something other than what Spirit intended. Society honors many things above wisdom such as attractiveness, wealth, popularity, and success. Everything we have is nothing without Spirit. But when he uses what little we have, it becomes all we could ever want or need. If you lack skills, you should sharpen them through training and practice. This will make you more effective for spiritual work. Because life has no guarantees, we should seize available opportunities and not play it safe. Even though life is uncertain, it doesn't mean that you should let it pass you by. Don't wait for conditions that many never exist. We should enjoy every day but remember that the afterlife is eternal (pure consciousness). Solomon concludes by giving his antidotes for the two main ailments that he talked about. People who lack purpose and direction in life should know the pure consciousness first and follow the Lord’s (spirit) commandments second.