Im going to be honest, I'm really struggling.
For being in a place so chalked full of people, I've never felt more lonely. I knew when I left it was the right decision to come for Nehemiah's sake, even without William, but now I'm not so sure. I am really having a hard time without the ability to communicate with people. It's my nature to communicate often; I am a writer, a talker, a joker. I don't do well with being quiet with my thoughts to keep me company. Although I appreciate the effort of my family's attempts at English, there's only so many ways I can answer, "How are you?"I am thankful to have a computer with me, but no amount of Skype or emailing can compare with true face time. The time difference is also a pretty big road block. While my world here is awake, a 10.5 hour time difference means back home everything is asleep.
This trip is surely teaching me how blessed I am to never have had to feel the sting of long distance marriage. We did our time living long distance when he was in college, but most will agree it's a different ball game when you're married, especially with children. A 23-day excursion across the world wasn't the easiest way to start learning how to be apart, I'm guessing. I am gaining more and more respect for the women in my life who go weeks and months without seeing their husbands. Day in and day out, living life alone. Raising kids. Holding it together at home. I feel an ache in my heart so deep it's almost visceral, and it's only been 10 days. Kudos to you, long distance lovers, because it's nothing short of tragedy to live with half of your heart somewhere else. I spoke to my pseudo-mom about this before my trip. I told her that I was almost fearing my trip because I couldn't bear the idea of being so far from Will for so long. She listened and comforted me so compassionately, all the while he husband working on the other side of the country. She said she remembered her first years of marriage, not even wanting to go to a weekend women's retreat because she couldn't bear the thought of leaving her husband. She told me that although it's hard to be apart, the love she has with her husband has grown stronger and the time together sweeter. I try to hold that close to my heart on the days I feel like crying. How blessed am I to have someone whom I can miss so much.
I feel guilty that I can't handle it with more grace; I am angry at myself for not carpe-ing the diem and soaking in every last drop. I wish I could. I want to. But for me, I don't know how to fully enjoy the experience without being able to share it with someone. If I feel like laughing or crying, I can't tell anyone. If I think something or am curious about something I see, I have no choice but to think it to myself. My days go through ups and downs of loving it and hating it, sometimes simultaneously. I love to travel and I love India, but it's just not the same to do it alone.
Most of my time I sit quiet in a room full of people. They're all discussing and laughing and sharing life together, all I can do is try to put together the few words I can grasp and just guess the rest. I kind of feel like the dog. Loved by all but by no means on the same level. I am very sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeves and don't do well feeling like the dog.
I'm honestly not sure what lessons I am supposed to be learning through this. I know that there's a purpose for it; I don't believe that we can go through hard times and not be stretched and grown or changed in some way. Perhaps I am relying too much on people for my happiness. Perhaps I invest too much weight in my husband's availability. Perhaps I need to learn to be okay with the quiet-- embrace it even. Become okay with being my own validation and companion. I am trying to relinquish my control and expectations and just let things be. As easy at is was just a week ago for me to preach about finding peace and joy in all circumstances or expressing a heart of gratitude, it's not as easy being put to the test. So this is me: taking the foot out of my mouth and learning, humbly and in my weakness, to practice what I preach. By myself.
For being in a place so chalked full of people, I've never felt more lonely. I knew when I left it was the right decision to come for Nehemiah's sake, even without William, but now I'm not so sure. I am really having a hard time without the ability to communicate with people. It's my nature to communicate often; I am a writer, a talker, a joker. I don't do well with being quiet with my thoughts to keep me company. Although I appreciate the effort of my family's attempts at English, there's only so many ways I can answer, "How are you?"I am thankful to have a computer with me, but no amount of Skype or emailing can compare with true face time. The time difference is also a pretty big road block. While my world here is awake, a 10.5 hour time difference means back home everything is asleep.
This trip is surely teaching me how blessed I am to never have had to feel the sting of long distance marriage. We did our time living long distance when he was in college, but most will agree it's a different ball game when you're married, especially with children. A 23-day excursion across the world wasn't the easiest way to start learning how to be apart, I'm guessing. I am gaining more and more respect for the women in my life who go weeks and months without seeing their husbands. Day in and day out, living life alone. Raising kids. Holding it together at home. I feel an ache in my heart so deep it's almost visceral, and it's only been 10 days. Kudos to you, long distance lovers, because it's nothing short of tragedy to live with half of your heart somewhere else. I spoke to my pseudo-mom about this before my trip. I told her that I was almost fearing my trip because I couldn't bear the idea of being so far from Will for so long. She listened and comforted me so compassionately, all the while he husband working on the other side of the country. She said she remembered her first years of marriage, not even wanting to go to a weekend women's retreat because she couldn't bear the thought of leaving her husband. She told me that although it's hard to be apart, the love she has with her husband has grown stronger and the time together sweeter. I try to hold that close to my heart on the days I feel like crying. How blessed am I to have someone whom I can miss so much.
I feel guilty that I can't handle it with more grace; I am angry at myself for not carpe-ing the diem and soaking in every last drop. I wish I could. I want to. But for me, I don't know how to fully enjoy the experience without being able to share it with someone. If I feel like laughing or crying, I can't tell anyone. If I think something or am curious about something I see, I have no choice but to think it to myself. My days go through ups and downs of loving it and hating it, sometimes simultaneously. I love to travel and I love India, but it's just not the same to do it alone.
Most of my time I sit quiet in a room full of people. They're all discussing and laughing and sharing life together, all I can do is try to put together the few words I can grasp and just guess the rest. I kind of feel like the dog. Loved by all but by no means on the same level. I am very sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeves and don't do well feeling like the dog.
I'm honestly not sure what lessons I am supposed to be learning through this. I know that there's a purpose for it; I don't believe that we can go through hard times and not be stretched and grown or changed in some way. Perhaps I am relying too much on people for my happiness. Perhaps I invest too much weight in my husband's availability. Perhaps I need to learn to be okay with the quiet-- embrace it even. Become okay with being my own validation and companion. I am trying to relinquish my control and expectations and just let things be. As easy at is was just a week ago for me to preach about finding peace and joy in all circumstances or expressing a heart of gratitude, it's not as easy being put to the test. So this is me: taking the foot out of my mouth and learning, humbly and in my weakness, to practice what I preach. By myself.
Jodiiiiiii!! You're so beautiful inside and out! I love and adore you, think the stinkin world of you!! I love your honesty, your transparency and your humility...a rare beauty...You are I have no idea what you are going through in your beautiful little big heart, but I think you are incredible and selfless for allowing yourself to be in such an uncomfortable/stretching position, for the better good of your little bebe and your family <3 Peace, joy, comfort and all of my love to you, mama!!! xoxoxo
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